Status: ABD (all but dissertation)

You get there by realizing you are already there. -Eckhart Tolle

Two years ago I sat sobbing in my boyfriend’s car.  Earlier that day, the PhD program I’d applied to called me to schedule an interview.

“What if I get in? Then what am I going to do?” Fat tears ran down my face, fear ripped at my heart.

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Status: Steadfast 

The hardest thing about meeting any challenging goal is the day to day drudgery. Showing up at my desk, each day, unwavering. Sometimes I’m distracted and write total crap. Sometimes I get flow. Always it feels like “I’m digging all the way to China with a silver spoon” (Tom Waits). And yet, I don’t stop. Like in love, it is commitment that makes me steadfast. This dissertation may be breaking my bones, but I’m still laughing.   

 

Status: Thinking about writing

I feel the weight of the hours between now and the moment I force myself to sit at my desk and write. The span of time between now and my writing time feels corporeal, dense. In my head, I am an explorer:  machete-hacking through the underbrush of my anxiety. 

  
#kafka